Sep 27, 2010

One year ago

A year ago, I tried to return to my old life..
A year later,  I realized that I didn't want my old life back as I have changed.. for the better? I don't know, only time will tell.. I am gonna start anew and start afresh..  A terrifying thought, but one that I have since embraced and accepted.. I know that it will not be easy to rebuild a new life in a new place, but I have survived thus far and I strongly believe that I will continue to survive and thrive in whichever city that I am gonna sink my roots in next.. ;)

A year ago, I wanted to get out of this birth country of mine..
A year later, I have yet to succeed even though my urge to flee is just as strong.. nothing is gonna stop me from keep on trying.. I still love my country, but not its government.. and based on the current situation and development, I really do not see any hope for things to get better in the next 5, 10 or even 20 years.. Of course, I am more than happy to be proven wrong but then the signs are not good.. :s

A year ago, I was both restless and aimless..
A year later, I am less restless, but still none the wiser about where I wanna go.. I know what I didn't want but not too sure about what I really want.. and after a few false starts, I have narrowed down my choices.. I have learned to channel my energy to improve on things that I can control and not fuss over things that I can't.. I have learned to not define myself with what I do or what I have (or not do/have).. I learned a bit more about myself.. I will definitely wanna do more with my life but I will not want to lose sight of what is important to me.. :)

A year ago, I was hurting as I gave my heart to someone who didn't want it..
A year later, scab has formed, though it still feels kinda raw at times.. It took me most of the year to finally put it behind me.. I stopped myself from caring and feeling too much.. I have learned to not make someone a priority in my life when I am not even an option in theirs..  My best friends felt that I was led on and taken advantage of but I blame no one and I have no regrets.. we did have great fun together.. it was just the wrong person at the right time.. Still and all, I won't seal off my heart but nor will I be too foolhardy, as I have not lost hope that someday LOVE will come knocking.. :)

A year ago, I was worried about what others might think of me if I didn't get a job immediately..
A year later, I couldn't be bothered.. Life is too short to be concerned with what people thinks.. I am living my life as rewarding as possible.. I might not be earning $$ but I am definitely not wasting my time either.. I am arming myself, with insights and knowledge, so that I will be ready for the next opportunity that will surely come my way... Even if I am seen as a failure by the society's standard, I couldn't care less, as long as I know I am not letting myself down nor selling myself short.. Because according to my own standards, I know I am gonna be somebody someday..  ;)

A year ago, I was apprehensive about staying with my parents after so long..
A year later, I am savoring the time I have with my family.. especially my sister whom I had missed her growing up years as I was already in Singapore for study and later, work.. just doing things and spending time together is gratifying.. being my sister's keeper is a very satisfying job.. :) And I love learning (more) stuff from my dad.. he is the one who taught me all the home improvement tasks and traditional snacks.. and I am "enjoying" my mum's nagging after almost 15years' absence from home.. :)

A year ago, I was suffering from running nose every other week.
A year later, my nose barely runs and my weight stop moving upwards.. I realized that when I can't find any pathological reasons, it is my psyche that is causing havoc to my health.. Once I have made peace with myself - more specifically my mind, my body stop rebelling too. Even though my sleeping hours are irregular (sleeping around 2am, waking up at 5.30am, sleep again at 7am and waking up around 12pm), I do have enough sleep and sufficient exercise (though not as much as I would like to).. also I watch and control what I eat.. so I might not be as "lean" as I were in Japan, I am not fat either.. :p

A year ago, I was losing sleep about things that could have been..
A year later, I am grateful for the things that are.. No one but I made all the decisions that led me to what and where I am today.. No point regretting or second-guessing my past choices.. I am what I did so far.. I will not have it any other way.. Instead of lamenting all the missed opportunities, I am counting my blessings of the things I am fortunate to have experienced.. those places that I have visited, people that I have encountered, difficulties that I have surmounted and friends that I have made... I am contented with what I have so far, and is gonna make sure I will continue to be in the future.. :)

Ahh.. I can't believe how the last 365 days had made such a huge difference in my frame of mind.. I have been through plenty of lows.. Every single day, I am learning to accept things as they are and constantly re-evaluating some of the values that I have held dear for the last 20 odds years.. Each and every day, I am still fighting to stay cheerful and optimistic in the face of rejections and disappointments.. because once in a while these self-doubts, self-loathings and self-recriminations will sneak up on me when I least expected and demolish all the self-confidence, self-control and self-love that I have build in the mean time.. thus everyday is a struggle and (hopefully) a triumph for me..

Ironically, I have came back to the "planning and design" phase of my life after "controlling and monitoring" it for the past 15 years or so.. I hope to move into the "execution" phase fully within the next 6 months, thus I am still a "work in progress".. :p I know I am "way behind schedule"to be trying to "analyze and define myself" this late in life, but hey, better late than never right? I don't wanna to wake up one day and feel like I have wasted my life away by conforming to what the society dictates instead of following my heart.. I am not gonna waste anymore of my time making everyone but myself (and those I care about) happy!!

I have no regrets thus far and I don't intend to start collecting any either.. :) I am not going to do things that people/society think I should, nor will I wanna be wasting my time on things that I no longer have passion for.... I am no saint nor am I turning religious/atheist... I just (gonna and wanna) believe that I am of importance, to myself at the very least if not to anyone.. I am not going to judge anyone living their lives in ways they deem fit, cos we are our own responsibilities.. Only we know truthfully how (un)happy we really are deep down inside..

Looking forward to my "2nd anniversary" next year..  how/where will I be then... Mmmmm.... :)

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