Reluctance.. 不捨。。

It is hard to find a word in English to fully express the meaning of 不捨, again, maybe it is just due to my poor English.. but again, as I have mentioned before, I rationalized with English, but emoted in Chinese...

The word "reluctant to leave" came to mind, yet it is unable to convey that sense of attachment that one needs to sever, that feeling that your heart is being torn apart, that pain of leaving behind friends and people that you (are beginning to) care about and that torment of "why can't things stay the way it did" and many more small subtle nuances that 不捨 could..

Exactly 12 hours later, I will be taking a flight back to Japan.. for the last time, I can use the word "back to" with "Japan".. I never did have a permanent home, at least that is how I felt.. that 13 years in Singapore and the last 2.5 years in Japan.. I always have somewhere to go back to..from Malaysia.. since 1994, Malaysia was but a holiday/vacation retreat to get some TLC from family and a brief sanctuary from the madness of working life.. Now that I am leaving Japan for good in a month's time, and with no where else to go (since I have yet to find, or even start looking for, a job), I will be "stuck" in Malaysia.. at least for a couple of months..

With most of my friends in Singapore, and now, some in Japan & a handful in Malaysia, and added to the fact that I have yet to re-learn my driving, I can foresee my days in Malaysia being very very very monotonous (not that my current life is that much MORE exciting..).. Wake up, eat breakfast, go online, eat lunch, go online, eat dinner, sleep... Of course, I can do many things that I had been wanting to do at home, like digitalizing all my old photos, selling my dad's old stuff on eBay, finishing my blog on Europe and whatever, reading books, etc... Who knows, I might just find something "fun" to do (that could also pay the bills) and not work at all!! :p

When I first went to Japan, I told myself that I would use the time to do stuff that I didn't have time for while I was working.. things like watching dramas/anime/movies, reading books, learning more about tarot/astrology/etc, playing World of Warcraft full-time and many more "solo" activities.. I didn't want to go out to meet new people (unless I no choice) nor do I wanna make new friends (since I was going to be here for 2.5 years ONLY).. and then after 2.5 years I would just pack and leave, with no attachments what-so-ever to anyone or anything.. Yes, I am THAT "anti-social", or so I thought...

Thus in a way, I am both surprised and glad that things turned out very differently in the end.. Little did I know that I would be joining activities, meeting people voluntarily and making new friends, sometimes with "kids" more than 10 years younger than me!! And the last 6 months was undoubtedly THE icing on the cake.. Staying in the same house with Aishah and Sarah was just great fun.. They managed to get me to do stuff that I would never have done them on my own, like posing for photos and many other things.. (which I shall not list out in case my other friends get the idea and force me to repeat them :p ) And these last 2.5 years, I discovered many aspects about myself, many sides of me that I didn't know and experienced many new things and emotions...

As usual (I didn't want to use the word "Alas"), good times don't last.. Sarah is already back in Malaysia (KL) for good.. I will be moving back to Malaysia (Taiping) end of Sept while Aishah will be continuing her PhD for another 1 year in Japan.. So no more late night dinner-cooking, cake/pastry-baking or kuih-making sessions, lepaking and chatting in the kitchen till 1am.. Missing those days ALREADY.. :( :( :( :(

When I get back to Japan, am hoping to meet up with a few more friends before saying sayonara.. Hoping to visit a few more places in Japan too.. One month to pack my stuff... One month to prepare myself, mentally, to "come home"...

真的非常不捨。。

以為能不帶走一點雲彩，卻不知已載滿無限感慨。。