Sunday Serenade: price tag

My sis likes this song.. so let me dedicate this song to her..  :)

I am very grateful to her for looking after me when I was hospitalized, especially staying over for the 3 nights after my operation. I am blessed to have a sister like her.. The love we share is priceless... :) Thanks, sis!


Price Tag
performed by Jessie J

Seems like everybody’s got a price,
I wonder how they sleep at night.
When the tale comes first,
And the truth comes second,
Just stop, for a minute and
Smile

Why is everybody so serious!
Acting so damn mysterious
You got your shades on your eyes
And your heels so high
That you can’t even have a good time.

[Pre-chorus]
Everybody look to their left (yeah)
Everybody look to their right (ha)
Can you feel that (yeah)
Well pay them with love tonight[end of Pre-chorus]

[Chorus]
It’s not about the money, money, money
We don’t need your money, money, money
We just wanna make the world dance,
Forget about the Price Tag

Ain’t about the (ha) Cha-Ching Cha-Ching.
Aint about the (yeah) Ba-Bling Ba-Bling
Wanna make the world dance,
Forget about the Price Tag.[end of Chorus]

We need to take it back in time,
When music made us all UNITE!
And it wasn’t low blows and video Hoes,
Am I the only one gettin tired?

Why is everybody so obsessed?
Money can’t buy us happiness
Can we all slow down and enjoy right now
Guarantee we’ll be feelin
All right.

[Pre-chorus]

[Chorus]

Yeah yeah
Well, keep the price tag
And take the cash back
Just give me six streams and a half stack
And you can keep the cars
Leave me the garage
And all I..
Yes all I need are keys and garage
And guess what, in 30 seconds I’m leaving to Mars
Yes we leaving across these undefeatable odds
Its like this man, you can’t put a price on life
We do this for the love so we fight and sacrifice every night
So we aint gon stumble and fall never
Waiting to see, a sign of defeat uh uh
So we gon keep everyone moving there feet
So bring back the beat and everybody sing
It’s not about

[Chorus x 2]






Have a great week ahead! Stay safe and cheery!!

Poetry Solace: Of death, to-morrow and love..

This time, I give you Percy Bysshe Shelley...


Death is Here and Death is There
I.
Death is here and death is there,
Death is busy everywhere,
All around, within, beneath,
Above is death—and we are death.

II.
Death has set his mark and seal
On all we are and all we feel,
On all we know and all we fear,

...

III.
First our pleasures die—and then
Our hopes, and then our fears—and when
These are dead, the debt is due,
Dust claims dust—and we die too.

IV.
All things that we love and cherish,
Like ourselves must fade and perish;
Such is our rude mortal lot--
Love itself would, did they not. 

To-morrow
Where art thou, beloved To-morrow?
When young and old, and strong and weak,
Rich and poor, through joy and sorrow,
Thy sweet smiles we ever seek,--
In thy place--ah! well-a-day!
We find the thing we fled--To-day. 



Love's Philosophy
The fountains mingle with the river,
And the rivers with the ocean;
The winds of heaven mix forever
With a sweet emotion;
Nothing in the world is single;
All things by a law divine
In another's being mingle--
Why not I with thine?

See, the mountains kiss high heaven,
And the waves clasp one another;
No sister flower could be forgiven
If it disdained its brother;
And the sunlight clasps the earth,
And the moonbeams kiss the sea;--
What are all these kissings worth,
If thou kiss not me?



Enjoy your weekends!

surgical voyage: 3rd week update

3rd week now.. Life has gone back to normal, well almost...

The scars still hurt, at times, especially under my right ear.. and the are around that little groove between my jaw and right ear is still numb to touch.. and my right ear still feels like a fake prosthetic - numb and stiff.. but the scars are healing very well with most of the scab formed inside and not outside..

My mum still doesn't allow me prawns and other 'poisonous' food.. and my right jaw still feels tight when i chew my food.. but I can now open my mouth wide enough to eat a McD fillet-o-fish.. :p

I still can't sleep on my right side or turn completely to my right.. but I can put my right hand under my head and sleep on it..

Anyway, Mr A have already told me that it will be a few more months before everything really gets back to normal.. but I know that the worse is over.. :)

tv (drama) addict

You should know by now I am a TV (drama) addict.. :p with sooooo much time in hand, I tend to watch any drama that caught my attention.. So let me give you an update of the series I am following this summer..

The Big C (currently season 2)

What's it about: A middle-age mum who suddenly found out that she has stage IV (aka terminal stage) melanoma (aka skin cancer) but decided not to tell her family.. As she grapples with her imminent death, she finds herself living her life more expressively and boldly.. 

This show hits very close to my heart, especially when I had to face the fears of having operation to take out the tumor.. Although the operation was a success and I should have an almost full recovery, the pricelessness of health and the mantra of "Living Life to the Fullest" resonated within me like never before..  Just like the female lead of the show, I'm gonna to "grab life by the balls".. :)


Falling Skies (currently season 1)

What's it about: Aliens came and took over the world, leaving isolate groups of humans fighting to stay alive. It tells the story of how a small group of mismatch ragtag team fights to survive and maybe even strike back at the extraterrestrials. 

Maybe it is just another 'take' on the old formula of 'alien-invade-human-strikes-back', but so far the show seemed promising.. so far it seemed realistic and believable to me, but it is still too soon to tell if I am going to stick to it or suffer the fate of V..


True Blood (currently season 4)

What's it about: In this season, witches were added to the bunch of supernatural beings (vampires, shape shifters, werewolves, were-panthers and faeries) appearing in the show.. 

Just dig the notion that there are supernatural beings among us.. :p Have always been fascinated by vampires, faeries, werewolves, etc. and their portrayal in the show kinda fits what I had imagined..  And I kept watching the show cos it is darker, edgier and definitely more adult-rated than most vampire-related shows/dramas..


Pretty Little Liars (currently season 2)

What's it about: Four teenage girls brought together by the unexplained death of their group 'leader', each with her own skeletons in the closet.. They have to juggle between the 'usual' teenage angst, relationship issues and a mysterious character, A, who threatens to expose their secrets..

Been a while since I last followed a show about teenagers.. this show has enough juiciness, bitchiness and intrigue to keep me wondering what 'A' wants..



On top of the above mentioned dramas, I am also following Drop Dead Diva (currently season 3, show is kinda getting nowhere), Covert Affairs (currently season 2, plot is getting thinner and it is no longer enough just having a pretty lead), Masterchef Australia (currently season 3, special guest judges are getting more special! :) ) and Rizzoli & Isles (currently season 2, loving the chemistry between the leads :) )..

And I am waiting for the return of Dexter (season 6), Glee (season 3), Fringe (season 4), Castle (season 4), The Killing (season 2), Game of Thrones (season 2), Nikita (season 2), Lost Girl (season 2), Grey's Anatomy (season 8), House (season 8), Survivor (season 23) and The Amazing Race (season 19)..

Ahhh... so many shows, so little time... :p 

selamat pengantin baru..

Went to KL to attend the wedding of my ex-housemate, Aishah, last Saturday.. :) :) :) :)

I've not attended a friend's wedding for a very very long time.. I am no fan of weddings, but I had to attend this one as Aishah is one of my dearest friends I've made while in Japan.. :)  And it was such a nice coincidence that my parents have their own dinner gathering on the same day in KL, so I don't have to trouble any friend(s) to drive me to the wedding..

We drove for almost 4 hours, directly from Taiping, before reaching Dewan De'Seri Endon in Putrajaya.. Some guests have arrived.. Majority wore baju kurung and baju melayu with the kids dressed in their cutesy (mini) versions.. the hall has been nicely decorated with many ushers and helpers putting in the final touches.. It was gonna be a very beautiful wedding.. :) :) :)

After a while, I met Nadia, Maow and two other friends of Aishah.. Nadia was one of the 5 bridesmaids.. and Maow flew all the way from Thailand the night before just for the wedding.. :)  They were on their way to see the bride to finalize some details about the ceremony later.. I joined them and met Aishah, all dressed up in a very beautiful (and sexy) traditional gown.. :) Didn't get the chance to chat much as she still has many other things to attend to.

Maow and I went back down to the banquet hall.. Met and congratulated Aishah's parents in the main hall too.. :)  We then went to take some food and sat down at a table near to the stage.. we continued with our catching up..  A while later, I saw Hoon among the crowd.. Then Chua, Erick, Jac Cis and Sarah arrived too.. in the end, we had a table of 8 friends, all "made in Japan"! :) :)  

We sat at Table 23.. next to the buffet tables.. :p

It was good to see friends... some more than others.. :p it was like a gathering of sort.. all of us who had came back from Japan, after spending between 6years to 6 months there.. some of them are now lecturers in local universities, with the rest working in the corporate world.. I've not seen most of them for almost 2 years, some even longer.. My last "outing" with Aishah and Maow was a trip to the Ueno Zoo in Sept 2009 which felt like eons ago....

dearest Aishah in her wedding 'gown'.. being the "Queen" of the day.. :)

Photos were taken.. lots of them.. lots of cameras around.. professionals, semi-professionals and amateurs alike.. somehow, I don't feel like taking photos.. maybe I am being self-conscious about my weight-gain, my am-not-happy-with-it hair cut or the operation has made me lazy.. :p Anyway, I am sure there will be plenty to share and seen in FB later.. but I did record a segment of the ceremony where the newly weds marched into the hall and was seated on their throne-of-the-day.. :)

It was a buffet-styled lunch..  guests were able to move and mingle around to chat with friends as and when they want, unlike typical Chinese wedding dinners where seating arrangement are fixed.. there were constantly human traffic in and out of the hall.. Although people seemed to be eating and chatting, their eyes did not stray far away from the newly weds and the ceremony happening on stage.. at least, I know I was paying attention.. :)

We managed to get some group photos taken with lots of 'line-up' variation in between.. I didn't really eat much as the food was, frankly, quite disappointing.. except for one or two dishes, the rest was so-so only.. I did, on the other hand, drink lots of the bandung, one of my favorite local drinks.. :p

It was a good occasion to catch up with friends.. talk about things that had happened in our lives..  although the time seemed too fleeting to chat to our hearts content, I did manage to sorta re-connect with them, especially with Maow... In general, everyone seems to be doing very well.. everyone seems to have move on with their lives after Japan...

Anyway, I need to go KL to get my visa done early August, so I will try my best to see if I could meet up with some of them, especially Aishah, and have a proper catch-up before flying off..

Once again, I would like to wish both Aishah and Jaouad  great fortune and life full of joy! Congratulations on your wedding day! :) :) :) :) :)

surgical voyage: post-op II

After that dreadful first 12 hours, everything seemed to have improved, albeit slowly..

"Damage"
1st day: Right side of my face numb and sore; could barely feel my right ear; couldn't feel anything on my lower right jaw; able to smile but lop-sided; couldn't make 'sad' mouth.
1st week: My right face still sore, though less numb; could feel the top of my right ear, still very numb and sore; slight sensation on my lower right jaw; smile getting better; still couldn't make 'sad' mouth.
2nd week: Numbness around my right jaw remains; can feel a third of my right ear, still numb and sore; no improvement on the sensation of my lower right jaw; smile improving; can make 'sad' mouth..

Taken within 12hrs of surgery

Scar
1st day: Very obvious especially with the surgical drain attached; very self-conscious about it.
1st week: Surgical drain taken out but left a big oval 'hole' that was stitched up without anesthetics; scars very obvious; self-conscious about it..
2nd week: Stitches taken out; redness subsiding; scars less obvious; less self-conscious about it..

Pain
1st day: Took prescribed pain killers; not much pain felt around the operated area; most of the pain came from the surgical drain attached..
1st week: Still taking pain killers; stitches taken out; pain at the sutures; pain at the sutured 'hole' left by the drain..
2nd week: Stopped taking pain killers; occasional pain felt at the sutured 'hole' and lower right jaw.

Taken on the 6th day

Food/Drink
1st day: Could eat the porridge and soup that my mum has cooked and that gave me strength and encouragement; eat very slowly; had to use straw to drink.
1st week: Could eat (and chew) normal food although I still can't open my mouth fully; eat slowly; still using straw..
2nd week: Eat at (almost) normal speed; can drink straight from a cup/glass without a straw; tightness around jaw remains while eating..

Movement
1st day: Could sit up and go the the toilet, albeit slowly; could walk for a few minutes before feeling weak; couldn't lift my right hand up due to the surgical drain; left hand numbed due to cannula; couldn't turn my head to the right at all..
1st week: Could walk about normally; both hands recovered; still couldn't turn my head to the right..
2nd week: Almost back to normal; can turn my head slightly to the right..

Taken immediately after stitches removed, 12th day

Sleep
1st day: Could only sleep on my back with 2 pillows to elevate my neck; had to get up very slowly so as not to strain the sutured areas; couldn't lift my head while laying down; very stiff neck and shoulders..
1st week: Still sleeps on my back; could get up slightly faster; still couldn't lift my head while laying down; stiff neck and shoulders remained..
2nd week: Could sleep on my left side too, and using just 1 pillow (how I usually sleeps); still needs to get up slowly (but not that slow); still can't lift my head while laying down without pain; still stiff neck and shoulders..

Hygiene 
1st day: Could only use wet tissue to wipe my face and body; couldn't brush my teeth as I couldn't bend or tilt my head down; couldn't touch the sutures..
1st week: Brushed my teeth by opening my mouth slightly bigger; took my first bath - wash my hair and face for the first time on the 6th day; need to gingerly take off and put on my t-shirt so as not to aggravate the sutures; used cotton pads to pad dry the sutured areas.. 
2nd week: Brushed my teeth (almost) normally; bathing (almost) normally; still needs to be careful while (un)dressing myself; still uses cotton pads for drying the scars.. 

Taken on day 16

My sis said that my sutures are nicely alighted so will most probably leave scars that are slightly visible. I am taking Vit B complex to help with the facial muscle and nerve growth... :)

Next, my thoughts and afterthoughts from the surgery..

Sunday Serenade: 瘋狂世界

瘋狂世界
作詞：阿信　作曲：阿信

如果說了後悔　是不是一切就能倒退
回憶多麼美　活著多麼狼狽
為什麼這個世界　總要叫人嚐傷悲
我不能瞭解　也不想瞭解

我好想好想飛　逃離這個瘋狂世界
那麼多苦　那麼多累　那麼多莫名的淚水
我好想好想飛　逃離這個瘋狂的世界

如果是你　發現了我　也別將我挽回
想了你一整夜　再也想不起你的臉
你是一種感覺　寫在夏夜晚風裡面
青春是挽不回的水　轉眼消失在指尖
用力的浪費　再用力的後悔







English Translation:

Wild and Crazy World

If I were to express regret, will everything go back to how it was?

Oh, how wonderful memories are! How cruel real life is!

Why does the world always so full of sadness?

I can't understand, and I don't want to understand..

How I wish I could fly away.. and escape this wild and crazy world!

So much hardship, so much weariness, and so much inexplicable tears..

How I wish I could fly away.. and escape this wild and crazy world!

Even if you managed to find me, please do not try to dissuade me.

I think of you the entire night, yet I can no longer remember your face.

You are a feeling, transcribed in the summer's night breeze.. 

Youthfulness can't be recaptured, lost through our fingertips instantly,

 Squandering it zealously, and then grieving its demise wholeheartedly..

Have a great week ahead! Stay safe and cheery!!

surgical voyage: post-op I

The first 12 hours after surgery was the most unbearable physical discomfort I had ever experienced in my entire life (so far).. and let me tell you why.. 

After (sorta) woken up from GA but still very very groggy, I kinda knew that I was taken back to the ward in an ambulance (what else).. was drifting in and out of sleep (or consciousness, not too sure).. but I did remember the glimpses of what was happening around me.. finally I arrived back in the ward and was lifted back onto my bed..

The nurses kinda rolled me onto my sides to get the canvas out, change me out of my single-piece surgical gown and put my ward gown on.. I was weaker than a baby and my entire body was in some kind of limbo.. I have never felt so helpless and vulnerable in my entire life.. And all these while, my sis never left my side..

After resting for a while, I felt thirsty.. so my sis fed me some water using a spoon... just drips of it onto my lips..  after a while she fed me a few drops of sugar cane water, just something sweet for energy.. unfortunately, I vomited all out after a few minutes.. this meant that I can't be allowed any oral liquid for at least 6 more hours as it was a clear indication that my body has yet to recover from the GA..

Thus I was put on drip (to hydrate me) and medicated via IV.. Even till then, I was still drifting in and out.. it was hard to hold onto my consciousness for long.. I felt so frail... But I do know that my sis brought my parents in to see me.. They came and stayed for just a short while.. as there was nothing that they could do for me..

It must have been 10:30pm or later, when I felt the urge to relieve myself.. yet I could barely sit up, much less walk to the toilet.. I knew about bedpan.. and had wanted to NOT use it.. but what choice do I have? It was either using a bedpan or wetting the bed.. When I was told to raise my butt up so that the nurse could place the bedpan under me, darn! I never felt so exposed, so weak and so helpless.. I will always remember the feel of cold metal and me trying to behave as normal as possible... All I want to do is to finish my "business" as fast as possible.. "luckily", I can wipe myself and not have the nurse do it for me.. :x :x :x :x   

During the night, I suffered from severe gastritis.. and since I still couldn't eat nor drink, there was nothing they could do except to give me medication (through the IV) to stop my stomach from churning out more acid and stop the pain.. The pain lasted throughout the night.. and on top of that, I had been having difficulties breathing, especially after they administered 2 small bottles of antibiotics (also through the IV).. I was very worried that I had (somehow) lost the ability to breath normally after being on the ventilator during the operation, which, on hind sight, was totally untrue but nonetheless was gnawing on my already very weak and paranoid mind then..

I had a fitful sleep that night.. slept for a short while and then woken up by either the pain on my neck, by the nurse taking my blood pressure every 2 hours or the gastritis pain.. Furthermore, my sis had to re-insert my cannula in the middle of the night as the original one was 'blocked'.. the 2nd cannula made my left hand more numbed and restrictive..

So to sum it up: During those 12 hours, I felt bodily pain, humility, helplessness and vulnerability.. Yet at the same time, I also felt the love of my sister.. the dedication of the nurses.. and the appreciation of health..

surgical voyage: actual op II

After I went under GA, Mr A (the ENT specialist/surgeon) start to the operation..

Some of the things that had happened, as told by my sis..

1.
The lady anesthesiologist had a hard time trying to stick a tube down my throat (tracheal intubation) to help me breathe while I am under GA. I was difficult to intubate as I have a 'shorter' neck as compared to the general public. That also explained why I had sore throat and phlegm after the surgery. 

2.
My sister was 'shoo-ed' out of the OT by Mr.A. She had to wait for me outside the room and was unable to watch the actual surgery.

3.
Mr A took out the tumor without much complication. He managed to preserve most of my facial nerves so I can still smile, although I lose some sensation around my lower right jaw permanently (I am still hoping for a small miracle for that).

4.
Braze yourself...

(and don't blame me if you lost your appetite after seeing the photo below... :p)

Something that had been inside of me all these years...

as big as a golf ball...

presenting....


the tumor..

5.
My operation lasted between 16:25 to 19:15, based on the official record. Yet the first thing I saw was a blurry image of a person calling me "Jie"  (who should have been my sis), and the clock behind her displaying 8.30pm.. The anesthesiologist and my sis had tried to wake me up earlier, but I was unresponsive.. In the end, they took me off the ventilator anyway..

In the end, I was 'escorted' back to my ward by my sis, riding on an ambulance no less.. that experience shall be included in the next blog entry..

surgical voyage: actual op I

Frankly, after one false start, I wasn't feeling that good about the operation, yet what can I do?

On the actual day (Jul 08), I was the 4th patient scheduled for operation. Based on Mr A's estimation, my turn will come around noon, so I had to fast from 8am. In reality, I was too nervous and scared to eat much after 7:30am... Then the waiting started..

Around 11am, my sis messaged me that there is an emergency case that had to be done, so my operation was pushed back and I became patient No.5. The clock continued ticking.. and I was too nervous to even read that I just lay down and stare at the walls... with my mind going everywhere and anywhere.. but you won't know from looking at me as I seemed like a pillar of 'calm'..

Around 3:15pm, one of the nurses came in and told me to get ready.. my heart started racing and I called my sis whom I promised to call when I am up for the ops.. Then, the nurse passed me a gown, which is nothing but a piece of white cloth with laces to tie around my neck and across my back, and told me to wear it. I had to strip down to my birthday suit using only my right hand as my left hand was holding on to an IV bottle (full of some solution which I don't quite remember). The nurse helped me, and I was beyond embarrassment.. :x :x

15 minutes later, my sis rushed over from her work place (just a few blocks away). I felt so much better with her around.. By then I'm already laying on top of a beige-colored canvas stretcher placed on a hospital gurney. There was a pole along my left and right side. The gurney could barely hold me as its width is the same as my shoulders'.  My sis said that for those patients who are 'wider' than the gurney, they would need to be strapped in tightly. I can't help but be very nervous and scared (of it toppling over) whenever I was wheeled around on it.. :x :x

Due to the layout of the hospital, the operating theater (OT) is located in another block quite a distance away so I had to be 'delivered' via an ambulance. This was the first time I've been inside an ambulance, and boy what an OLD ambulance it was.. paint peeling, drawer handle missing, grease and dirt all over the place.. :x :x My sis followed me onto the ambulance, together with 2 other nurses.. Actually, it is fairly rare for doctors to follow patients to the OT, so I was being given the "VIP treatment".. :p :p

Once we arrived at the OT, I was pushed into a prep room where another nurse asked me for my full name, NRIC, the surgery that I was gonna undergo and verified my signature on several consent forms that I've signed earlier. In the mean time, my sis went and changed into her scrubs.She came back just as the nurse was done with all the verification.  I was then 'hoisted' onto another gurney using the canvas stretcher by 2 strong male nurses..

Then, I was pushed to a waiting area while they continue to prep the OT. My sis kept me company all these while and that really did calm my nerves... nurses and doctors were walking by.. many of them knew my sis.. :) after waiting for a while (I can't really tell how long it was as I have no concept of time then), I was wheeled into the OT.

It is a whitish room. It felt old, like a classroom that was painted white. Hanging down from the ceiling is two big surgical lights, looking kinda menacing like a pair of tentacles from a metallic beast. There are some equipments by the side and at the bottom of the room, blipping, humming and churning away, but they barely registered in my mind as I was completely transfixed by the metal table in the middle..

It really was 'just' a metal table, nothing fancy, with no handles or patterns, just like the ones you see on TV..  I was lifted and placed onto that table. The 2 male nurses took away the two poles and I ended up laying on top of the canvas on the metal table. A nurse covered me with a white blanket. I saw a lady in scrubs standing next to a machine, she is one of my sis's superior and she was gonna be my anesthesiologist for the operation.

She then proceed to stick electrodes on my chest, hands and feet to monitor my heart rate during surgery.. An (anaesthetia) oxygen mask was pulled over me and I was told to breath normally through the mask.. At the same time, several nurses placed a plank-of-some-sort under both my shoulder blades to allow my hands to 'hang loose' beside my body.. The lady anesthesiologist then informed me that she is injecting anaesthetic through the venous cannula on my left hand. I can actually feel the liquid flow into me and it really hurt like hell!

All these bustle around me was both intimidating and petrifying.. I told myself to stay calm and don't think negatively.. I kept on breathing in and out of the mask, following the doctor's instruction.. and slowly they changed it from pure oxygen to anasthetic gases...

The last image I had in my mind was my right hand gripping my sis's hand, for assurance and strength.. and then I lost conscious..

surgical voyage: pre-op

The original operation date was Jul 12, which was then brought forward to Jul 07. Thus I was supposed to go to the hospital a day before to get myself admitted for all the necessary pre-op procedures.. so I went in the morning of Jul 06 with my sis, who was working afternoon shift on that day..

Before they can admit me, I have to get my ECG and chest X-ray done.. Since my sis knows the layout of the hospital well, we managed to get to the individual dept very fast and had both done fairly quickly.. then we went back to the ENT department to fill out more forms and sign more approvals.. Once that was done, I need to have a venous cannula inserted on one of my hands to facilitate the administration of intravenous fluids (like medicine or saline drips). My sis performed the insertion on my left hand without much pain.. :) Then off we go for admission.

With all the forms and charts, we were led to the payment counter first. I requested for Class II ward and paid the required deposit of MYR$ 400. As an ENT patient, I was allocated a bed in Ward D1. As part of the protocol, I was supposed to wait for an ambulance to take me to the ward. But since my sis is a doctor there and I can walk, we requested and was granted the permission to walk to the ward instead.

Once there, my sis gave them my charts and forms to the nurses to process my admission. I was given Bed No. 15, in a non-air con section and a pair of green hospital gown to change into. Then my sis left for work, but not before she bought me lunch from outside as the food provided in the hospital was not very appetizing.. :p

Around 2pm, a doctor from the Anaesthetic Dept came over to brief me about the procedure and risks of general anaesthetia during this operation. Of course, I knew the risks and I do have my own fears about them.. but what needs to be done has to be done.. so I signed the consent form after his explanation and try not to dwell too much on them..

In the evening, I was transfer to a 4-bed room that was air-conditioned. The room has its own toilet and bathroom. It offered more privacy and less disturbance as it is enclosed thus able to keep the noises (of patients groaning/vomiting/snoring/etc)  to the minimal. And I was fortunate to have the entire room to myself as I am the only patient in the room..  So I chose a bed, Bed No. 8, closest to the window and furthest from the door.. :)  

Around 10pm, I was given a pill (a kind of sedative, according to my sis) to allow me to sleep better so that I would be fully rested and ready for the 3-hour operation the next day. And I was to fast from 2am, then later changed to 8am, onwards as part of the prep for my operation the next day.

Ever since I got admitted around 11am, I couldn't go anywhere but stay inside the ward. And I was advised (by my sis, no less) to not wander around the ward. So in the end, all I can do was sit/lay on my bed and read, which I did, and I managed to finish "The Hobbit" by JRR Tolkien by the end of the day.. :p

All the above happened on Jul 06. Then came Jul 07, the day I was supposed to have my operation. But due to unforeseen circumstances, a patient had to be operated on urgently, so being a non-urgent case, I had to give way. Luckily, my surgeon (Mr. A) was able to negotiate for a new operation time-slot the next day (Jul 08). And so I waited for another day...

surgical voyage: fears..

Other than the worry about not being able to smile, there are 2 other fears that I had pertaining the operation..

One is the fear of anaesthesia awareness, while the other is the fear of unable to wake up from general anaesthesia.. although the probability of any 1 of these happening is very very very slim, I can't help but be concerned.. luckily, my sis is working in the Anaesthetic Dept for her last rotation, so she was able to alleviate some of my fears by appealing to her superior (a specialist in anesthesiology) to provide me with the best care possible. :)

Of course, in the end, all these turned out to be mere unwarranted worries.. :p

Sunday Serenade: hold on

This song is a classic.. :) One of the first few English songs that I listened to during my teen years.. Wilson Phillips was one of the pioneering female groups.... love the trio's voices..


Hold On
written by Baker, Gary / Wilson, William Lon

I know this pain
Why do lock yourself up in these chains?
No one can change your life except for you
Don't ever let anyone step all over you
Just open your heart and your mind
Is it really fair to feel this way inside?

[Chorus:]
Some day somebody's gonna make you want to
Turn around and say goodbye
Until then baby are you going to let them
Hold you down and make you cry
Don't you know?
Don't you know things can change
Things'll go your way
If you hold on for one more day
Can you hold on for one more day
Things'll go your way
Hold on for one more day [end of chorus]

You could sustain
Or are you comfortable with the pain?
You've got no one to blame for your unhappiness
You got yourself into your own mess
Lettin' your worries pass you by
Don't you think it's worth your time
To change your mind?

[Chorus]

I know that there is pain
But you hold on for one more day and
Break free the chains
Yeah I know that there is pain
But you hold on for one more day and you
Break free, break from the chains

Some day somebody's gonna make you want to
Turn around and say goodbye
Until then baby are you going to let them
Hold you down and make you cry
Don't you know?
Don't you know things can change
Things'll go your way
If you hold on for one more day yeah
If you hold on

Don't you know things can change
Things'll go your way
If you hold on for one more day,
If you hold on
Can you hold on
Hold on baby
Won't you tell me now
Hold on for one more day 'Cause
It's gonna go your way

Don't you know things can change
Things'll go your way
If you hold on for one more day
Can't you change it this time

Make up your mind
Hold on
Hold on
Baby hold on




Have a great week ahead! Stay safe and cheery!!

No.1001

Can't believe that I've reached the thousand mark for my blog... all my rants and raves starting from my very first post in Apr 2007.. ;)

Yes, I am aware that some of the stuff (songs and poems) in this blog didn't come from me but taken from books and the Internet, yet all of them meant something to me thus I would like to share them with you, my friends... In future, I will continue to share articles, poems, songs and other stuff that I've found and liked, maybe do some translation (between Chinese and English) too so as to 'value-add"..  :p

In this blog, I've sorta documented my life and experiences that I've been through the past 50 odd months.. and really, so much has happened.. I wrote about the countries I've visited.. the new things I've tried and experienced... the new friends I've made (and some lost).. the unfamiliar emotions I've felt.. the parts of me I've realized and accepted.. the obstacles and frustrations I've met and overcame.. all in all, I believed I've come through a better person..

Pretty soon, I will be relocating to another country to pursue my PhD.. and very likely I will go through another cycle of (all or some of) the above.. so I will continue to blog, yet I have yet to decide if I want to continue on with this blog or start a new one for the next new chapter of my life.. what do you think?

Finally, a big thank you for reading my blog.. whoever you are.. wherever you may be.. do feel free to leave me comments or suggestions.. :)

Thanks again!

Poetry Solace: Of sonnets and love

One of the most prominent poets in the Victorian era whom has influenced many later poets.. Elizabeth Barrett Browning.. Bet you've read one of them before, even if it was just a few verses.. :)


Sonnets from the Portuguese 14:
If Thou
If thou must love me, let it be for nought
Except for love's sake only. Do not say
I love her for her smile ... her look ... her way
Of speaking gently, ... for a trick of thought
That falls in well with mine, and certes brought
A sense of pleasant ease on such a day'—
For these things in themselves, Belovèd, may
Be changed, or change for thee,—and love, so wrought,
May be unwrought so. Neither love me for
Thine own dear pity's wiping my cheeks dry,—
A creature might forget to weep, who bore
Thy comfort long, and lose thy love thereby!
But love me for love's sake, that evermore
Thou may'st love on, through love's eternity.


Sonnets from the Portuguese 43:
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of being and ideal grace.
I love thee to the level of every day’s
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood’s faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.


Love
We cannot live, except thus mutually
We alternate, aware or unaware,
The reflex act of life: and when we bear
Our virtue onward most impulsively,
Most full of invocation, and to be
Most instantly compellant, certes, there
We live most life, whoever breathes most air
And counts his dying years by sun and sea.
But when a soul, by choice and conscience, doth
Throw out her full force on another soul,
The conscience and the concentration both
Make mere life, Love. For Life in perfect whole
And aim consummated, is Love in sooth,
As nature’s magnet-heat rounds pole with pole.


Enjoy your weekends!

surgical voyage: overview

A quick overview of my surgical voyage...

Jul 06
- Went to the hospital.
- Admitted into a Class II ward.

Jul 07
- Fasted from 8am for surgery in the afternoon.
- Surgery got postponed due to an unforeseen emergency case.

Jul 08
- Fasted again from 8am.
- Wheeled into the OT (operating theatre) around 3:45pm.
- Woke up from GA (general anaesthesia) around 8:30pm.

Jul 09
- Post-op Day 1
- Did not lose my ability to smile.. :)
- Able to eat mushy/pulpy food like porridge and soup for lunch.

Jul 10
- Post-op Day 2
- Able to get out of bed without help.

Jul 11
- Post-op Day 3
- Took out the surgical drain in the morning.
- Allowed to be discharged and go home around 3:30pm.

Jul 14
- Post-op Day 6
- Finally had a real bath to wash my hair and face.. ;)

Today is Post-op Day 7! And I will be seeing the specialist/surgeon on Jul 20 to get my stitches out..

I shall be writing in more details later.. so stay tuned.. :)

i am home..

Got discharged from the hospital late yesterday afternoon..

Came home with a 15-cm+ long suture down my right neck, a very sore+numb right ear, a numb+sore right cheek and a whole lot of pain.. luckily, my smile is still intact, well sorta as it is kinda lopsided for now... but some parts of my lower right cheek have permanently lost their sensation... and a really oily smelly head+face+hair since I can't wash my face or my hair since surgery last Friday and till at least a couple more days... :( :x :x

For now, I can't really move or tilt my head, left/right or down/up; can't really open my mouth; can't really chew tough food; can't lift heavy things (as it strains my neck); and I have a very stiff neck, shoulder and upper body as I have to compensate my movement (or lack of it) by moving my entire upper body..

After this surgery, I came to many realization.. among them is that I am really blessed to have my sister who was with me throughout my surgery and most of my recovery time at the hospital, especially the nights.. I am also blessed to have friends who had given their best wishes and prayed for me.. I really do appreciate it although I don't say it out loud as I am not a very openly expressive person..

Shall write more about this 'adventure' of mine when I am in a better shape.. so for the mean time, I need to go and rest..

加油器 vs 消耗劑

你有沒有以下經驗呢？跟朋友X聊天之后，精神感覺良好，覺得自己受到了某種正面的啟發和感染，整個人如沐春風；可是跟朋友Y聊完天后，卻好像消耗了所有正面的能量，竟會感到厭煩、焦躁，精神不濟。你有遇過這樣的人嗎？

其實，朋友X是加油器，朋友Y則是消耗劑。

與加油器型的親友聊天哈啦時，你會覺到你的意見和見解是有被聆聽及重視，他們在為你的理想加持打氣。他們無時不在認同你，給你一些很棒的idea和建議。聊完天之后，你會覺得自己現在的生活其實還不賴，正在做的事情或是想要嘗試的新鮮事都很有潛能。加油器型的親友將會激發你積極向上，協助和鼓勵開拓你所有的可能性，亦不經意地為你打了支強心針。

反之，和消耗劑型的親友相處時，你會覺得他們是在耗損或吞噬你的正面能量，包括你的理想、積極和樂觀。他們處處地否定你，無時不提醒著你的短處、缺點，一直不斷地潑你冷水。無論你對自己多麼地有信心或是覺得自己（已）作對了，他們就是會質疑你自己的能力和成就。就好像是《哈利。波特》裡的攝魂怪，總愛剝奪別人的快樂，掃他人的興，把人們的夢想打破。

無疑的，我們應該多與加油器型的親友聚一聚，減少跟消耗劑型的親友碰面。但你卻也必須分辨清楚身邊的這些親友，到底是加油器還是吹泡機？ 是消耗劑還是照明鏡？

吹泡機是完全不負責任的加油器。他們只會一味地吹捧奉承。他們把你說得象超人（無所不能）或再世諸葛亮（計計都是良計）。他們根本就不在乎你的計劃是否切實際，是否荒謬離譜，或是可能會面臨哪些高風險等問題。他們常常把你捧得高高的，說得你整個人飄飄然。也許他們是不想讓別人覺得他們消極或不‘挺’朋友，但他們這樣不負責任地縱容和煽動卻是很不應該。

照明鏡是真正為你著想的消耗劑。他們不是毫無原由地潑你冷水，他們會把現實的一面以及可能發生的事情告訴你，讓你看清楚美好與丑陋兩面，然后全心支持你的決定。他們會苦口婆心地勸導你，因為心疼你；他們不是擔心你（會/已）成功，更不是嫉妒你的成就蓋過他們，而是不想你走冤枉路，不希望你吃虧、受騙或受傷。也許他們並不是百分百“好人”，但他們確實是真心地希望你這位朋友可以過得好。

你身邊環繞著的到底是哪種朋友？

所以我們必須慎選朋友，但很多時候我們無法控制。雖然我不是慫恿大家利用朋友，但其實這些不同型的朋友都有他們各自的“用處”，不需要完全排擠或避開他們。

當我們需要支持和鼓勵的時候，可以和加油器型的親友聚聚，讓他們為自己加油打氣，接近他們感染他們的正面能量。當我們覺得自我感覺過於良好的時候，應該找些照明鏡型的親友把自己的痴心妄想照個明白，讓我們可以踏實地面對事實，不犯大頭症。當然你可能不想面對現實或不想聽照明鏡型親友的真實話語，那就繼續跟吹泡機型的親友作伴吧！而與消耗劑型的親友碰面時，就必須時時刻刻提醒自己不要被負面能量污染，喪失自信心。

既然你不喜歡跟消耗劑湊在一塊，那麼你也必須要有自覺地確保自己不是消耗劑。你不想要被消耗，那麼你也應該不去消耗親友。如果你當不成加油器，也做不了照明鏡，那麼最低限度就是不讓自己變成親友的消耗劑或是吹泡機。也許我是一廂情願、天真憨厚，但我深信一個道理：“己所不欲，勿施於人”。我不喜歡別人“怎樣”對待我，我就不會“怎樣”對待別人。我不會踩著別人來抬高自己，更不會一直唱“衰”你來突顯我有多麼“棒”。你看我好，我看你好， 到底真的“好”或是“不好”，只有當事人知道，就如同古人曰：“如人飲水，冷暖自知”。

人，活著，不可能不交朋友，但絕對不可以依賴朋友，因為最終人生是你自己的，你一個人必須面對生命中的酸甜苦辣，人世間的冷暖悲喜。是要快樂無憂地度過一生，還是痛苦自責地熬過一世，決定權就在你自己手中。我說的沒錯吧？

Sunday Serenade: game called life

Finished watching the first season of a TV drama called The Big C recently.. I liked the opening theme a lot and went over to youtube to search for it.. of course, I googled for its lyrics too.. frankly, I really like the lyrics as it kinda speaks to me, especially since I went under the knife last Thursday Friday..

The Big C is a really good show.. and I am recommending it to everyone.. there are 'only' 13 episodes in its first season with each running under 30 minutes.. its 2nd season just started about 2 weeks ago, so you can catch up in no time..

Game Called Life
performed by Leftover Cuties

It's so hard to turn your life over
Step out of your comfort zone
It's so hard to choose one direction
When your future is unknown

Is this some kind of a joke, will someone wake me up soon?
And tell me this was just a game we played, called life.

Are we, are we all really slaves?
By the hands of ourselves
Did I really make all of those mistakes?
Am I really getting older?
Then why do I feel so lost?

Is this some kind of a joke, will someone wake me up soon?
And tell me this was just a game we played, called life.

And at the end of the road, is there someone waiting?
Do I get a medal for surviving this long?

Is this some kind of a joke, will someone wake me up soon?
And tell me this was just a game we played, called life.

Is this some kind of a joke, will someone wake me up soon?
And tell me this was just a game we played, called life.




Have a great week ahead! Stay safe and cheery!!

Poetry Solace: Of being alive, hope and proud

Three poems from an American lady.. Emily Dickinson..

If I shouldn't be alive

When the robins come,

Give the one in red cravat

A memorial crumb.

If I couldn't thank you,

Being just asleep,

You will know I'm trying

With my granite lip !

"Hope" is the thing with feathers —
That perches in the soul —
And sings the tune without the words —
And never stops — at all —

And sweetest — in the Gale — is heard —
And sore must be the storm —
That could abash the little Bird
That kept so many warm —

I've heard it in the chillest land —
And on the strangest Sea —
Yet, never, in Extremity,
It asked a crumb — of Me.

Proud of my broken heart, since thou didst break it,
Proud of the pain I did not feel till thee,

Proud of my night, since thou with moons dost slake it,
Not to partake thy passion, my humility.

Thou can'st not boast, like Jesus, drunken without companion
Was the strong cup of anguish brewed for the Nazarene

Thou can'st not pierce tradition with the peerless puncture,
See! I usurped thy crucifix to honor mine!

Enjoy your weekends!

here I go..

Going off soon to the hospital in a while.. had a fitful sleep last night.. hope to sleep better tonight.. fingers crossed and prayers said.. nothing more can be done but leave it to fate.. :)

packed for ops

Went for a haircut just now.. want to cut my hair shorter so that it will be easier during tomorrow's operation.. this new hairstyle is so NOT me.. :p it is short but 'lady-like'.. hahahaha..

I am also packing for my operation.. don't really know how to pack since I've never been hospitalized (touch wood).. so I am treating this like a 3D2N camping trip.. :p I will pack some toiletries, some undies, towel, a pair of shorts and 2 t-shirts. I will be wearing patient gown most of the time.. Of course, I will pack some books to kill time and some writing material to pen my thoughts since I will be there for more than 48 hours. Don't want to bring my laptop as the security in the hospital leaves (too) much to be desired where even doctors' belongings are not safe from thieves..

Hopefully there will be available beds in the Class II ward, so that I won't be 'looked after' by fresh newbie doctors and have better food.. else my sister had promised to buy food for me if I am staying in Class III ward as she said that the food there is inedible.. :p

Anyway, am mentally preparing myself for the admission (tomorrow) and the surgery (the day after next).. so do continue to pray for me.. :)

brought forward..

Received a call from the hospital just now... seemed like there is a change in my surgery date..

I will be having my surgery on Jul 7 instead of the scheduled Jul 12 as the surgeon had to perform a big operation last-minute on the earlier decided date. So in a sense, I am being bumped 'up'.. :x

This meant that I would need to be admitted the day after tomorrow, stay overnight in the hospital, have the surgery the next day and hopefully be allowed to discharge this Friday.

So keep me in your prayers the next few days, especially this Thursday and wish me a successful non-complication ops.. :)

yes, I am worried and a little scared..

I would be lying if I say I am not worried about my operation next Monday..

So yes indeed, I am worried and a little scared.. yet, what can worrying and being scared about it accomplish? It is not going to make the tumor go away nor will it minimize the risks that I'm going to face during surgery.. thus, the rational side of me is embracing the surgery as calmly as possible..

A few simple facts to keep things in perspective:

1. Tumor is confirmed to be pleomorphic adenoma of the parotid gland.
2. Best and only treatment is surgical removal (parotidectomy).
3. Risks of having surgery: Frey's syndrome, facial nerve damage and scarring.
4. Risks of NOT having surgery: 5 to 15% of it turning malignant and it gets higher the longer it stays inside.
5. Surgery will be done by an ENT surgeon/specialist that my sister knows and trusts.

Among the risks, I am more concerned about the possibility of facial nerve damage.. Although I am not a very smiley person, I won't want to lose my ability to give a big happy smile.. I can live with a scar or redness/sweating in the operated area when I eat (it will make good conversation pieces :p).. also, these are non-life threatening risks, not a 'confirm sure-to-happen' certainty, so I'll keep my fingers crossed and hope for the best..

Anyway, I have to put my trust on the Mr. A (the ENT surgeon/specialist) to do the best he can to make sure everything goes smoothly. He has a good reputation in the hospital and I am sure he doesn't want to be known as the surgeon who 'paralyze' his colleague's sister's face. And I trust my body's healing ability too.. :)

So again, yes I am worried, but there is no running away from this surgery.. with my sis and her colleagues looking after and taking care of me, I am in good hands.. and with your prayers, I will be okay.. :) :) :)

Sunday Serenade: haven't met you yet

This song gives me hope.. of meeting that special someone.. :)


Haven't Met You Yet
written by Amy Foster Gillies ;Michael Buble ;Alan Chang

I'm not surprised
Not everything lasts
Have broken my heart so many times,
I stopped keepin track.
Talk myself in
I talk myself out
I get all worked up
Then I let myself down.

I tried so very hard not to lose it
I came up with a million excuses
I thought I thought of every possibility

And I know someday that it'll all turn out
You'll make me work so we can work to work it out
And I promise you kid that I'll give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet

Mmmmm ....

I might have to wait
I'll never give up
I guess it's half time
And the other half's luck
Wherever you are
Whenever it's right
You come out of nowhere and into my life

And I know that we can be so amazing
And baby your love is gonna change me
And now I can see every possibility

Hmmmmm ......

And somehow I know that will all turn out
And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out
And I promise you kid I'll give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet

They say all's fair
And in love and war
But I won't need to fight it
We'll get it right and we'll be united

And I know that we can be so amazing
And being in your life is gonna change me
And now I can see every single possibility

Hmmm .....

And someday I know it'll all turn out
And I'll work to work it out
Promise you kid I'll give more than I get
Than I get than I get than I get

Oh You know it will all turn out
And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out
And I promise you kid to give so much more than I get
Yeah I just haven't met you yet

I just haven't met you yet
Oh Promise you kid
To give so much more than I get

I said love love love love love love love .....
I just haven't met you yet
Love Love Love .....
I just haven't met you yet




Have a great week ahead! Stay safe and cheery!!

Poetry Solace: Of image, see and eternity

Realized that I preferred British poets to American ones..  and I like short poems, not those long one which is way too lengthy for my liking.. :p

Today, I present you 3 poems by William Blake..

A Divine Image
Cruelty has a human heart,
And Jealousy a human face;
Terror the human form divine,
And Secresy the human dress.

The human dress is forged iron,
The human form a fiery forge,
The human face a furnace sealed,
The human heart its hungry gorge.

To See
To see a world in a grain of sand,
And a heaven in a wild flower,
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand
And eternity in an hour.



Eternity
He who binds to himself a joy
Does the winged life destroy;
But he who kisses the joy as it flies
Lives in eternity's sun rise. 

Enjoy your weekends!

made cupcakes... sorta..

Bought a packet of those cupcake mixes a few months ago and decided to try them.. My sis was supposed to be baking them for a friend of hers as a birthday 'cake', but she was too busy during that period.. Since I was in the mood for some baking, I decided to do do it.. :)

Cupcake mix from Tesco.. vanilla, not a flavor I would normally use or choose..

Just need water, oil and eggs... simple enough.. :p

After mixing and baking them, here they are... plain vanilla cupcakes..

As they looked kinda 'boring' and 'naked', I decided to make some icing or glaze... went online to search for a simple recipe.. and found a very simple one.. just require 1 cup of castor sugar, 1 tbsp of butter and some hot water.. I added some food coloring to "brighten" up it.. :p

Here, I present to you my first 'attempt'... pink cupcakes!! :) :) :)

As for its tastiness, well, I think I over-mixed the mixture, so it was not fluffy enough and a little tough but the pink glaze was sweet and creamy (because of the butter).. :)  Frankly I really would want to make cupcakes from scratch one of these days, instead of using these ready-made mix..

Anyway, I still have a pack of muffin mix to bake.. so stay-tune.. :p