了解 (Understood)

It has been a week already.. although I have learned to not care about certain things (that are so different, but not necessarily right/wrong) in this country, I am still easily perturbed.. yet, there is nothing I can do about these things.. except to get out of this country asap..

And that sense of helplessness is not just about the external environment.. I am having an internal battle within myself too.. Not many would understand how I feel.. maybe those who had stayed overseas for a couple of years would be able to see and understand some of my frustrations and dismay.. Maybe to some, I should "just suck it up, look for any good-paying job and settle down" (whatever "settle down" means)..

The reluctance to change to fit into the environment here is slowly taking its toll on my mental well-being.. because I have seen how life could be so much more than what this country could ever offer.. because I have gotten used to law and order, and that personal security is basic, not a luxury.. because I have tasted freedom from social norm and family expectation.. because I have lived my life (at least for the past 15 years) MY way and on MY terms.. Why should I give up all these just to stay in a country that doesn't even treat me fairly, much less value me as its citizen?

Met up with one of my friends, Seow Hoon, who came back to Malaysia for a short holiday yesterday in Taiping.. She too is facing a dilemma of sort.. From a third party's perspective, both of us seemed to have it all.. "smart, capable and highly educated"... yet, both of us are at crossroads of our lives, and each fighting a battle of a different sort.. she's deciding if she wants to commit to a PhD program that would tie her down for at least 4 years and if the life of a researcher is what she wants.. while I need to convince myself that the sense of uncertainty (about my future) is temporary and that I am making the right decision to turn my back against going back to being an Engineer and embark on a different career path.. And at the same time, both of us has to accept the fact that we are depending on our families again after all these years of being financially independent..

I must admit all these are extremely difficult for me, especially not having a job.. Being a Capricorn, I see myself as being rational, practical, dependable and independent, yet the state that I am in now is anything but the above.. thus the ever-growing and gnawing sense of frustration, uncertainty and self-doubt.. But I believe I will overcome all these sooner or later and find my bearings again.. just need a little bit more time.. I hope...